I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
