i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
