I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
