Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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