I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
