i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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