when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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