when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
