The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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