Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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