this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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