god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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