I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
