girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
