The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
