By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
