When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
either way he was missing a nipple.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
its liver damage thursday
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
