Capitaan dildo arrescate!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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