Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
