Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
