I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
