Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
