I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
