Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
