I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
home. puking in laundry basket.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
