nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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