Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
