Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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