True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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