College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
