So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
