I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize