Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
