Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
