if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
