Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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