Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
