Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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