At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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