Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize