oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
