he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
