I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
