I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
