By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
