I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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