What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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