you guys were way drunker than both of me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
