So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the condom got lost in my hair
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize