I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
