is your mom at the bar?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
