u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
