so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
