remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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