There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
