I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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