Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize