I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
