how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
