Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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