he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
