How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
