meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize