If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
