You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
