Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
